You may or may have not watched our most recent video ‘Travel Corridor #1 – Milan‘, well heres the photos from said trip which featured in Issue 18’s ‘Vaga Milano’ article. Scroll down below to see the extended version with words by Guy Jones, photos by Reece Leung and witness the likes of Barney Page, Harry Lintell, Charlie Munro, Jacopo Carozzi shredding with hype men Justin Biddle and Quentin Guthrie to boot. Take this all in below.
Contrary to popular belief, as beautiful and charming as Milan and the residents of this incredible city are, it’s often believed that it is the designer and fashion capital of the planet.
Unfortunately this isn’t true and what started as a bit of a jest in the The Ring O’ Bells pub in Widnes, became not just common belief but a danger to think otherwise.
Just to make things clear this wasn’t created by the Italian government, but was actually constructed in the 80’s by malignant tosspot Margaret Thatcher to further deprive the North of England, doing her best to stifle all creative outputs and endeavours that weren’t privatisation or slipping money to one of her cronies.
After a lot of research and meeting a few shifty looking characters in B&Q car parks across the North West, it was made abundantly apparent that Widnes is actually the fashion capital of the world, why do you think Paul Simon visited there and wrote Homeward Bound?
He knew he would never see anything as beautiful again! It’s not like he went to Milan and wrote such an emotional song is it?
Obviously you never hear of anyone actually going to Milan and claiming Widnes is actually the fashion capital, that’s because in a treaty created by the Conservative Party in the 80’s everyone in the know had to sign a waiver claiming Milan is super fashionable and all the designers there are the best.
But anyone holidaying before this will tell you that anywhere outside of their hometown was exotic and fashionable and by the time people started to catch wind, the treaty was active and forgot about when Corrie decided to film an episode live on ITV. Have you never seen something so mad clothing wise you can’t actually make a positive or negative judgement?
Due to the lack of income coming into the north courtesy of the Iron Lady, Milan started to mimic Widnes, but their advisor wasn’t exactly ‘with it’ so to speak, so the first things to be adopted over there were waiters who also sold a bit of gak on the side, and would also do drinks and drugs drop offs to nearby places of water (just in case evidence needed to be disposed of).
I’ve spoken to a lot of people who have spent time in Milan, and they always say how great it is, but there’s something suspicious in their eye movement. 90% of the time they look in the general direction of Widnes before changing the subject to how intensely I’m interrogating them, before they ask what I’m actually doing on their property and order me to go home immediately.
It seems like the best grey area to see the real Milan is through the old useless wooden toy, but desperate tory shite houses still seemed desperate to give the illusion that Milan is far more classy than Widnes. Coincidentally, when the lads on this trip would be skating a spot, a luxury vehicle would drive past almost on cue. The only seemingly obvious give away is the abundance of Tennents there.
You’ll have to wake up pretty early in the morning to catch this publication out! Either way, through extensive research I started to feel sorry for Milan, you shouldn’t make fun of someone or somewhere simply because it’s not as good as someone or something else.
Sitting in the mayor of Widnes’ office… In an abandoned wacky warehouse I realised that if they can stay modest it’s probably time to move on and let people think Milan is as great as everyone thinks it is, even if the cuisine, culture and spots aren’t a patch on this Cheshire industrial town. Anyway, remember when David Cameron stuck his knob in a dead pig’s head to impress some bell-ends?